One month ago...

One month ago today our angel was born. I have been thinking about Thomas all day missing him more than ever today. Josh and I even talked about getting semi matching tattoos in his memory.

While Ben was napping the mortuary called to tell us they had Thomas' death certificate.  I broke down. I am still in some sort of state of shock and feeling so robbed of what could have been for our family.  ...

 

Here is the good part of my day ; Ben wakes up from his nap and as I have him on the changing table I sing him twinkle twinkle little star. Then I ask him if we should sing brother Thomas a song he gives me his famous mmm hmm. I ask him what song we should sing,  he immediately says happy birthday.  I fought through more tears and we sang Thomas happy birthday.  It was a precious moment that I will remember forever.

 

Then of course he had to have his afternoon popsicle.

 

Saying goodbye at 24 weeks

I haven't been very active on here but I feel at a place where I want to share this with our friends and family. Josh and I recently went through the biggest heartbreak of our life. Our sweet son was born prematurely at 24 weeks, he lived on this earth for only 20 hours. Our hearts ache every single day. Our angel Thomas James was born via emergency c-section on june 17th at 3:55am. I had been hospitalized for bleeding due to a diagnosis of complete placenta previa. prior to being hospitalized I was on bedrest at home for 2 weeks. I had on going bleeding that wouldnt stop for over a month. I received 2 blood transfusions and an iron transfusion but it wasnt enough , my bleeding became too dangerous and my little one becamed distressed in utero. This led to an emergancy c-section at just 24 weeks. the docotors told me survial for our baby was only 50%, but we had so much hope for him. I was given steroids to help his little lungs develop more. I lost a lot of blood during surgery and had to have two more blood transfusions before I could see my baby. I had to wait 12 long hours to see him. When I finally got to see him, he was so tiny and hooked up to so many machines to help him breath. Dispite all of that he was doing ok...his stats where as good as they could be givien his prematurity.Then, within an hour of meeting my baby boy for the first time his health started to rapidly decline. His breathing and oxygen levels became very low and the doctors tried everything to get him oxygen but in the end he went for too long without getting enough oxygen. The doctors didn't expect him to live through the night and they told us if by some miracle he did he would be basically brain dead. We had to make the heartbreaking decision to remove  him for the breathing machines and let him pass peacefully. I held his precious little body as he went to be with the Lord. The most painful half hour of my life . He was just too little and not ready for this world. I don't think it has fully sunk in yet, it has only been 23 days...I feel numb. I keep asking why this happened to me, why this happend to us. We are good people, we dont lie or steal or cheat. We pay it forward, we are good christians...this isn't supposed to happen to us. but I guess all the doesn't matter. I know God has a plan and that this was part of it. I will never really understand . I cant wait until i get see his perfect face again in heaven where he will be waiting for me pain free and perfect.